I feel as though I've always been told to "stop being so guarded", "learn to let people in", "getting hurt is inevitable, you'll learn from it." What is wrong with being cautious? Why is it so terrible to sometimes over-think and under-act? How do I manage to become the closest with those who always seem prepared to dive right in and throw caution to the wind? Why are there so many characters in my life that try to positively influence me but in return cause me to build my walls even higher?
I try to understand these characters. I try to understand the notion of "learning from the pain" but too often remember the moment when I felt that pain alongside these unguarded hearts. I try to forget the experiences of tear-filled shoulders, life chats that last until sunrise, and the times when I made attempts to carry their burden as my own, if only for a minute, so these special characters could regain even an ounce of strength. I try to forget the looks of defeat as these characters question their ability to be loved...knowing that the "I love yous" I share with them are inadequate in that very moment.
I try...but fail. Perhaps I am not trying hard enough or perhaps I am trying to accomplish a feat that is not meant to be. I suppose there is a possibility that these heartbreaks from afar are, in fact, supposed to help me break down some of the walls I have so effortlessly built. The not-so-guarded hearts are the first to encourage me to break the barrier and step outside of where I feel comfortable. The not-so-guarded hearts have the ability to feel the warmth in vulnerability while I comfortably stand in the shade of my own fear. I am surrounded, consumed, overwhelmed, and challenged by these characters.
I like being a cautious individual but am starting to realize that these walls have become too high and too strong for me to tear down on my own. Maybe that is the beauty in being wired this way. Maybe there is a life character that is wired to tear the wall down and show me a world of vulnerability that doesn't require so much shade. A world where throwing caution to the wind doesn't mean that I have to abandon my intricate thoughts and unexplainable emotions. Maybe one of the world's not-so-guarded hearts will understand my sometimes neurotic aversion to risk and will find a new way of showing me the beauty of under-thinking and over-acting.
