I feel as though I've always been told to "stop being so guarded", "learn to let people in", "getting hurt is inevitable, you'll learn from it." What is wrong with being cautious? Why is it so terrible to sometimes over-think and under-act? How do I manage to become the closest with those who always seem prepared to dive right in and throw caution to the wind? Why are there so many characters in my life that try to positively influence me but in return cause me to build my walls even higher?
I try to understand these characters. I try to understand the notion of "learning from the pain" but too often remember the moment when I felt that pain alongside these unguarded hearts. I try to forget the experiences of tear-filled shoulders, life chats that last until sunrise, and the times when I made attempts to carry their burden as my own, if only for a minute, so these special characters could regain even an ounce of strength. I try to forget the looks of defeat as these characters question their ability to be loved...knowing that the "I love yous" I share with them are inadequate in that very moment.
I try...but fail. Perhaps I am not trying hard enough or perhaps I am trying to accomplish a feat that is not meant to be. I suppose there is a possibility that these heartbreaks from afar are, in fact, supposed to help me break down some of the walls I have so effortlessly built. The not-so-guarded hearts are the first to encourage me to break the barrier and step outside of where I feel comfortable. The not-so-guarded hearts have the ability to feel the warmth in vulnerability while I comfortably stand in the shade of my own fear. I am surrounded, consumed, overwhelmed, and challenged by these characters.
I like being a cautious individual but am starting to realize that these walls have become too high and too strong for me to tear down on my own. Maybe that is the beauty in being wired this way. Maybe there is a life character that is wired to tear the wall down and show me a world of vulnerability that doesn't require so much shade. A world where throwing caution to the wind doesn't mean that I have to abandon my intricate thoughts and unexplainable emotions. Maybe one of the world's not-so-guarded hearts will understand my sometimes neurotic aversion to risk and will find a new way of showing me the beauty of under-thinking and over-acting.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
"Extreme Teachers"
Perhaps the characters that have had the most unexpected influence throughout my story. While one might assume that during this 20something Tale I would only have my current professors in this category, my life has never followed that type of logic. Believe it or not, even this far into the book series there are stories and changes that involve an English teacher from my glory days: high school. In fact, the "extreme teachers" I find easiest to describe are from very different stages of my life, all managing to tug at my intelligence in a different way than other characters have.
I recently read a book called "Extreme Learning" and constantly found myself thinking of 3 major characters: the one that inspired me to hang on to my innocence while pushing me to succeed, the one that set a bar for me that was higher than I would have ever attempted to reach and gave me the opportunity to clear it without question, and the most recent one that became a mentor through his ability to showcase what it means to be brilliantly professional while being true to his easygoing and entertaining self. From ages 16-24 I have learned a new appreciation for this kind of teacher and mentor.
These characters understand the power and importance of creativity as a catalyst for success. Each of them encourages students to run wild with ideas that may seem foolish to those with strengths in other areas. They encourage addictions to literature that stimulates my sense of humor as well as my intellect. They encourage me to be the optimist idealist that I am and to not concern myself with conforming to what others may view as "more practical". They remind me that what I find to be important in my life is also important to others and I should constantly find fuel for my fire. These characters show me what success looks like but don't expect my success to mirror theirs. They understand that while I strive for similar achievements, titles, careers, etc.. I am me. I am my own character and will be written into my own story (and the stories of others) in a unique way. The extreme teachers encourage individuality and brilliance that will inspire change in others, not allowing what was today to be exactly what is tomorrow.
There is something special about having this kind of relationship with characters that are not your parents, siblings, peers, or best friends. To connect with teachers, those that we often hold in high regard and respect, creates a different kind of spark. Throughout my stories I have known that these characters don't need to be involved....but want to be. They are choosing to invest in me, to encourage me, to be a player in this wild game with rules that make little to no sense. One of them saw a girl at 16 years old with her world wrapped around her finger and told her that she could have even more than what she could see. Another allowed me to walk in her shadow, to worship her every move and pushed me into the sunlight when I didn't think I had the ability to take my own journey. She saw a terrified 20something and in a couple of hours (not to mention a couple of beers) managed to make me feel as though I had my world wrapped around my finger yet again. The newest character in this category may still be trying to figure me out but is choosing to open my eyes to a brand new world of incredibly terrifying opportunities that I want to seize with every ounce of creative intelligence that I have.
They are choosing to invest in me, to be a part of my wild story. These characters are unique and hard to come across, yet I have managed to snag 3. That in itself baffles me beyond belief on a daily basis. As I look ahead at my own journey, wanting to be that kind of teacher, I often wonder if any of my students will look back and see me as this kind of character. The kind of character that doesn't merely show up because they have to. The kind of character that sees them as more than a test score or number on an attendance sheet. The kind of character that chooses to believe in them. The kind of character that wants to see others succeed beyond their wildest dreams and write chapters of their own books that were once unimagined.
The kind of character that sees no limits when it comes to life.
I recently read a book called "Extreme Learning" and constantly found myself thinking of 3 major characters: the one that inspired me to hang on to my innocence while pushing me to succeed, the one that set a bar for me that was higher than I would have ever attempted to reach and gave me the opportunity to clear it without question, and the most recent one that became a mentor through his ability to showcase what it means to be brilliantly professional while being true to his easygoing and entertaining self. From ages 16-24 I have learned a new appreciation for this kind of teacher and mentor.
These characters understand the power and importance of creativity as a catalyst for success. Each of them encourages students to run wild with ideas that may seem foolish to those with strengths in other areas. They encourage addictions to literature that stimulates my sense of humor as well as my intellect. They encourage me to be the optimist idealist that I am and to not concern myself with conforming to what others may view as "more practical". They remind me that what I find to be important in my life is also important to others and I should constantly find fuel for my fire. These characters show me what success looks like but don't expect my success to mirror theirs. They understand that while I strive for similar achievements, titles, careers, etc.. I am me. I am my own character and will be written into my own story (and the stories of others) in a unique way. The extreme teachers encourage individuality and brilliance that will inspire change in others, not allowing what was today to be exactly what is tomorrow.
There is something special about having this kind of relationship with characters that are not your parents, siblings, peers, or best friends. To connect with teachers, those that we often hold in high regard and respect, creates a different kind of spark. Throughout my stories I have known that these characters don't need to be involved....but want to be. They are choosing to invest in me, to encourage me, to be a player in this wild game with rules that make little to no sense. One of them saw a girl at 16 years old with her world wrapped around her finger and told her that she could have even more than what she could see. Another allowed me to walk in her shadow, to worship her every move and pushed me into the sunlight when I didn't think I had the ability to take my own journey. She saw a terrified 20something and in a couple of hours (not to mention a couple of beers) managed to make me feel as though I had my world wrapped around my finger yet again. The newest character in this category may still be trying to figure me out but is choosing to open my eyes to a brand new world of incredibly terrifying opportunities that I want to seize with every ounce of creative intelligence that I have.
They are choosing to invest in me, to be a part of my wild story. These characters are unique and hard to come across, yet I have managed to snag 3. That in itself baffles me beyond belief on a daily basis. As I look ahead at my own journey, wanting to be that kind of teacher, I often wonder if any of my students will look back and see me as this kind of character. The kind of character that doesn't merely show up because they have to. The kind of character that sees them as more than a test score or number on an attendance sheet. The kind of character that chooses to believe in them. The kind of character that wants to see others succeed beyond their wildest dreams and write chapters of their own books that were once unimagined.
The kind of character that sees no limits when it comes to life.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
"The Coffee Drinker"
A character with consistency, that appreciates routine and understands the beauty of a small gesture. While I have written many coffee drinkers into my stories throughout the years, there is one who has been there from the beginning. By beginning I do not mean book one, but book 5 or 6 when coffee became a part of my morning agenda. Sure, this character description could easily describe our transformation from high calorie, absurdly expensive beverages to our love of an in-house mug filled to the brim with the freshest brew. The only element worth highlighting in that tale is the idea of accepting change and changing together. (Okay, not the ONLY thing worth highlighting. I'm fairly certain we were late to school 75% of our senior year of high school because of our addiction and my inability to wake up on time).
For a character that appreciates routine in his daily life, he has managed to be the most willing to tell me that change is in fact, inevitable. For a coffee drinker, change is sometimes as small (yet traumatic) as your favorite barista leaving and no longer having your drink started the moment he or she sees your car pull up. On the other hand, the coffee drinker was the first to encourage life's big changes and constantly reminded me that it would all work out. Somehow. He never allowed me more than a few minutes of doubt and sorrow. He never made empty promises or fully catered to my wildly neurotic way of seeing life. He fueled my optimism and made sure my glass (literally and figuratively) was always at least half full.
The coffee drinker inspires life's little pleasures. Our adventures of exploring new places and brews was once a seemingly small part of my life but has somehow become a time that I revisit on a regular basis. The coffee drinker made this adventure more than crossing something off of my checklist every Sunday afternoon. Through life chats, incredibly embarrassing moments, tears, laughter that took our breath away, and even silence that spoke volumes... I have never found such comfort in being a regular in someone's life. The coffee drinkers might be the easiest characters to love. They are complex, yet make living in this world seem as simple as a cup of coffee.
That brings us to this story, book number eight, which I see as the peak of my 20Something Tale. I no longer have the same consistency with the coffee drinker. At times I feel as though my favorite barista has left me, and while I am still given my caffeine injection of laughter and comfort... it is not the same. The routine has changed for both of us. We continue to encourage each other to find comfort in new opportunities but there is now an existing distance. Our adventures have changed and we have grabbed the hands of others to bring them along on the type of journey that a coffee drinker thrives on. To find pleasure in "the little things" alone would be wasteful. The coffee drinkers alter their routines if it means more happiness and a greater appreciation for life. These characters have a tight grip on loyalty and honesty and trust their hearts. While always striving for more, the coffee drinker is still able to sit back, relax, and drink their coffee while its still hot.
This character is irreplaceable.
For a character that appreciates routine in his daily life, he has managed to be the most willing to tell me that change is in fact, inevitable. For a coffee drinker, change is sometimes as small (yet traumatic) as your favorite barista leaving and no longer having your drink started the moment he or she sees your car pull up. On the other hand, the coffee drinker was the first to encourage life's big changes and constantly reminded me that it would all work out. Somehow. He never allowed me more than a few minutes of doubt and sorrow. He never made empty promises or fully catered to my wildly neurotic way of seeing life. He fueled my optimism and made sure my glass (literally and figuratively) was always at least half full.
The coffee drinker inspires life's little pleasures. Our adventures of exploring new places and brews was once a seemingly small part of my life but has somehow become a time that I revisit on a regular basis. The coffee drinker made this adventure more than crossing something off of my checklist every Sunday afternoon. Through life chats, incredibly embarrassing moments, tears, laughter that took our breath away, and even silence that spoke volumes... I have never found such comfort in being a regular in someone's life. The coffee drinkers might be the easiest characters to love. They are complex, yet make living in this world seem as simple as a cup of coffee.
That brings us to this story, book number eight, which I see as the peak of my 20Something Tale. I no longer have the same consistency with the coffee drinker. At times I feel as though my favorite barista has left me, and while I am still given my caffeine injection of laughter and comfort... it is not the same. The routine has changed for both of us. We continue to encourage each other to find comfort in new opportunities but there is now an existing distance. Our adventures have changed and we have grabbed the hands of others to bring them along on the type of journey that a coffee drinker thrives on. To find pleasure in "the little things" alone would be wasteful. The coffee drinkers alter their routines if it means more happiness and a greater appreciation for life. These characters have a tight grip on loyalty and honesty and trust their hearts. While always striving for more, the coffee drinker is still able to sit back, relax, and drink their coffee while its still hot.
This character is irreplaceable.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
"The Writers"
I could easily break up this character description but I feel as though these characters all have similar qualities with unique sparks that send me into the best kind of tizzy. The writers in my stories process life and all of its uncertainty and confusion in a way that always seems to tug at my heartstrings. They make me feel normal... or as closer to normal as I can possibly feel. The writers want to talk about life and love in the most intellectually stimulating ways so that afterward, in the comfort of our own homes and minds, we can put the pen to paper. My favorite part about these characters is that each of them sees the beauty of words in such a different way. Some, like me, have created journal after journal of detailed happenings of events with emotional dialogue intertwined. Others are musicians and translate their innermost understandings (and misunderstandings) into lyrics that become beautiful melodies flowing with chords that put the heart at ease. The poets put life into even fewer words and showcase the beauty of language as an intimate art form.
The special thing about the writers is that we get each other. There is a unique understanding that comes with having a passion for writing that seems to bond people together. One particular writer challenges me more than any others. He gently forces me to see the world from different perspectives and consider new possibilities but respects the perspective I cling to. I was skeptical of this character at first but he has quickly been written into my story with kindness and respect. Entangled in his wisdom and desire to challenge is an inner world that resonates with mine. A world in which life's complications are merely that. Complications. We share a sense of optimism and hope that the hardships shall pass and the harsh realities that were put to paper will one day be merely a memory. Another character, a musician with the voice of a songbird that can soothe even the fastest beating heart, sparks my creative side. She has a way about her that brings an extra bit of life into everything she does. Even with 500 miles now between us and conversations that last for only a few texts, we get each other. She writes about love in a way that feels genuine, not just another fairytale love story. She writes about life as if it could not possibly be more perfectly constructed despite the presence of negativity. Sometimes she lets her lyrics follow the music, unaware of what is to come next. Her character feels emotion in so many ways that even I cannot understand.
They (we) write to understand. They (we) write to make sense of others as well as ourselves and to have the feeling that even for a moment, life makes sense.
I have writers that have come and gone but all have taught me what it means to live with a little more life. More spark. They ask questions and listen to answers, prompting to hear more while adding their own valuable perspective.
Who would we be if not for the writers that document the ways in which our worlds collide?
The special thing about the writers is that we get each other. There is a unique understanding that comes with having a passion for writing that seems to bond people together. One particular writer challenges me more than any others. He gently forces me to see the world from different perspectives and consider new possibilities but respects the perspective I cling to. I was skeptical of this character at first but he has quickly been written into my story with kindness and respect. Entangled in his wisdom and desire to challenge is an inner world that resonates with mine. A world in which life's complications are merely that. Complications. We share a sense of optimism and hope that the hardships shall pass and the harsh realities that were put to paper will one day be merely a memory. Another character, a musician with the voice of a songbird that can soothe even the fastest beating heart, sparks my creative side. She has a way about her that brings an extra bit of life into everything she does. Even with 500 miles now between us and conversations that last for only a few texts, we get each other. She writes about love in a way that feels genuine, not just another fairytale love story. She writes about life as if it could not possibly be more perfectly constructed despite the presence of negativity. Sometimes she lets her lyrics follow the music, unaware of what is to come next. Her character feels emotion in so many ways that even I cannot understand.
They (we) write to understand. They (we) write to make sense of others as well as ourselves and to have the feeling that even for a moment, life makes sense.
I have writers that have come and gone but all have taught me what it means to live with a little more life. More spark. They ask questions and listen to answers, prompting to hear more while adding their own valuable perspective.
Who would we be if not for the writers that document the ways in which our worlds collide?
Friday, June 22, 2012
The 20something's Tale
A friend has recently brought it to my attention that I refer to people in my life (family, friends, friends of friends or strangers) as "life characters" with great frequency. While I would love to attribute this to the amount of pleasure reading I have been able to do this summer, I am not sure that is actually the case. Honestly, I cannot recall a moment in which I did not feel I was writing my own epic stories with the people I see, hear, or think about on a daily basis. Yes, stories of epic proportion. Stories with multiple authors, characters who have survived from book one to book...let's call it eight, and characters who have merely made appearances but have been written out for both simplistic and wild reasons.
This story I seem to be writing right now, book number eight, is seeming to have some of the most complex and fascinating characters I have had the pleasure of writing in. I like to think of this as "The 20something's Tale" because the title "A World of Laughter, Discovery, Heartbreak, Confusion, Success, Defeat, Stress, Independence and Happiness" was FAR too simple. The life characters that help me understand who I am as a leading lady in my own story can always be described so intricately in my mind. I often feel as though my character list is one of a kind, that no other 20something Tale could possibly find a way to intertwine the wonderfully encouraging yet confusing characters I am able to write about and live among.
Why am I sharing this? A loaded question, really. In all honesty I would love to challenge myself to put into words some of the life characters I am blessed to know deeply, casually, and pass by on a whim. From the fairytale childhood best friend to the man at the coffee shop with a curiosity regarding my time spent writing papers, everyone has changed me. Everyone has challenged me, encouraged me, infuriated me or comforted me...whether the knew it or not. As a character with an uncomfortably intricate core, I constantly analyze the characters in my story and try to figure out the how or the why. Maybe, just maybe, the written word can offer a bit more insight.
So where does that leave me? Honestly, with three paragraphs of explanation that could probably be translated into 4-6 simple sentences. This 20something Tale will highlight some of my life characters. Some big, some seemingly insignificant. Are there really insignificant characters? I am not entirely convinced that there are. I could easily begin by describing myself as a character but what is the fun in that? If you flip through the story this way, I believe you will discover more about me than if I attempted to untangle the life of an extremely introverted idealist who learned to the part of an extrovert all too well. That would be an exhausting character description to write.
We can start small.
"The Starbucks Lovers"
A couple that I watched on multiple occasions during a two week span. Each day as I curled up in my favorite leather chair for a morning of research, writing, and Facebooking I saw these two at the table across from me enjoying what appeared to me as the best morning anyone could endure. Perched in the same positions each time, they shared a newspaper and a breakfast pasty while sipping mugs of black coffee. While one flipped through the business and sports sections, the other explored entertainment and comics. I never saw them exchange words, just glances here and there that screamed love and passion ever so silently. I wanted to be them. I wanted to have what they seemed to have and to love the way they seemed to love. A love so simple yet full of complexity, history, and inevitably hardship.
I never spoke to either of them but caught myself smiling and feeling as though the future did not have to look so terrifyingly complicated all the time. I smiled because though they had no idea of my existence, I knew of theirs and it had opened a realm of new possibilities. As characters in my story they seem to only have their own chapter but the essence of who they are will be woven into any other tale involving simplicity, love, or the beauty of silence.
Yes, this is actually them.
This story I seem to be writing right now, book number eight, is seeming to have some of the most complex and fascinating characters I have had the pleasure of writing in. I like to think of this as "The 20something's Tale" because the title "A World of Laughter, Discovery, Heartbreak, Confusion, Success, Defeat, Stress, Independence and Happiness" was FAR too simple. The life characters that help me understand who I am as a leading lady in my own story can always be described so intricately in my mind. I often feel as though my character list is one of a kind, that no other 20something Tale could possibly find a way to intertwine the wonderfully encouraging yet confusing characters I am able to write about and live among.
Why am I sharing this? A loaded question, really. In all honesty I would love to challenge myself to put into words some of the life characters I am blessed to know deeply, casually, and pass by on a whim. From the fairytale childhood best friend to the man at the coffee shop with a curiosity regarding my time spent writing papers, everyone has changed me. Everyone has challenged me, encouraged me, infuriated me or comforted me...whether the knew it or not. As a character with an uncomfortably intricate core, I constantly analyze the characters in my story and try to figure out the how or the why. Maybe, just maybe, the written word can offer a bit more insight.
So where does that leave me? Honestly, with three paragraphs of explanation that could probably be translated into 4-6 simple sentences. This 20something Tale will highlight some of my life characters. Some big, some seemingly insignificant. Are there really insignificant characters? I am not entirely convinced that there are. I could easily begin by describing myself as a character but what is the fun in that? If you flip through the story this way, I believe you will discover more about me than if I attempted to untangle the life of an extremely introverted idealist who learned to the part of an extrovert all too well. That would be an exhausting character description to write.
We can start small.
"The Starbucks Lovers"
A couple that I watched on multiple occasions during a two week span. Each day as I curled up in my favorite leather chair for a morning of research, writing, and Facebooking I saw these two at the table across from me enjoying what appeared to me as the best morning anyone could endure. Perched in the same positions each time, they shared a newspaper and a breakfast pasty while sipping mugs of black coffee. While one flipped through the business and sports sections, the other explored entertainment and comics. I never saw them exchange words, just glances here and there that screamed love and passion ever so silently. I wanted to be them. I wanted to have what they seemed to have and to love the way they seemed to love. A love so simple yet full of complexity, history, and inevitably hardship.
I never spoke to either of them but caught myself smiling and feeling as though the future did not have to look so terrifyingly complicated all the time. I smiled because though they had no idea of my existence, I knew of theirs and it had opened a realm of new possibilities. As characters in my story they seem to only have their own chapter but the essence of who they are will be woven into any other tale involving simplicity, love, or the beauty of silence.
Yes, this is actually them.
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